Been a while…

I always have the best ideas and reflections to put in this little blog of mine, but alas I always fill my time with other things. I decide that I am too tired to do anything but sit idly on my couch and watch an episode and a half of Chuck (because I can only watch 72 min without paying).  I have been through quite a bit of growth in this last month and a half. I went from running 10 miles to no miles. From been in-content (not sure if that is “in” or “un”, Missy would know) to finding peace with my life.

I am back running again, with new zeal for training for my marathon. I ran 5 miles yesterday and 2.48 the day before – after I biked/ran at the gym for an hour and half- I ran with Jack, which was a fun new experience. It was fantastic to share that with him, and he did great for not ever running!

So here are some snipits from the last few months…

– I don’t have to be perfect

– I never have to let my work dictate my worth or who I am as a person

– Just because I don’t have everything figured out and I make lots of mistakes doesn’t mean I am doomed for failure the rest of my existance.

-When your body says rest, you should…or you get sick…for a long time!!!!

-Having my sister come and visit for a weekend is a ton of fun! She is so cool.

-Friends are such a blessing. Especially the ones that come and visit you.

-Watching Childbirth is something you never forget.

-Missing people, friends and family, will never end. You just have to learn to miss them in a good way.

-Saying good-bye to Steph is going to be harder than I am anticipating…thinking about it at all makes me cry…ughhh.

-And finally, it is okay to be perfectly fine and content one day and be really sad and emotional the next. It doesn’t mean I have taken steps backwards, just that I am moving forward and moving through life and actually living!

I will try to better about updating.

Oh and P.S. best story at VZW so far…

We call customer on their cell phone…Call goes like this:

Rep: Hi this is John Doe at Verizon Wireless. The call can be recorded for quality. I am showing a balance on your account of $$$, a portion of that has fallen past due, putting your service at risk of interruption. Would you like to take care of this today?

Cust: Excuse me! How did you get this number? I don’t recall giving Verizon Wireless my cell number….

Really.

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Reflections from a 7 mile run…

I spent the greater part of my day in my pajamas bawling my eyes out. Why? Well, several factors play into this state of my heart. 1) It is coming on Spring. Spring, as a few close friends know, is by far the most difficult time of the year for me. It is when my parents separated, when I always got mono, when my depression flares up the most. 2.) I really dislike my job. I am in the process of applying for a different position in the company and all my coworkers and supervisors are asking me a very good question, “What are you doing here? Why are you still here?” My answer to that question…the job pays well, I have benefits, I like who I work with, and this is my first real job outside of college and I always thought your first job had to suck and this is when you have to learn how to endure the sucky part of adulthood. That and this being my first corporate job I am having to learn the delicate balance of schmoozing, which I am not good at and every person I go to for advice tells me something different. 3)I am tired of living alone. 4.) I want to train for a marathon and DID NOT want to go for a run. 6.) And when I feel this way its always good to add in feeling ugly and fat, just for good measure.

So there I was, just wallowing in my own confusion and heartache. Crying out to the Lord for some relief. Chatted with my Mom for a bit (where she again reminded me that they love me and I can come home anytime I want to) and decided I had to get out of my dark apartment. So in my anger I went for a run. My goal was 7 miles. 2 Miles in I realized that my mile tracker was not on. I laughed. That was what I needed. I needed to laugh at the fact that life isn’t always going to be tracked and perfect. So I turned on the tracker and proceeded to run another 5 miles, in which I realized a few things. (Since I am liking lists today I will start another one) 1.)Jesus must of invented running for depressed people. It is the perfect remedy to a really downer day. Not only does it release much needed endorphins and give you time to reflect on what you think is true and what is actually true, it also pushes your body beyond what it thinks it can go. Running is always a perfect metaphor for my life. When I am at my lowest and most desperate I can go for a run and remember that I can always take another step. I can always keep going. That no matter what I think I can do there is always the Lord to give me strength to continue on beyond what I can ask or imagine. Running is a tangible way for me to affirm myself that I can do this, that I can grow up and become an adult, and I can keep going. 2.)I don’t know where my life is going to go. I think that somedays I am just hunky dory and others I think that if things don’t get better I am definitely moving. Right now I think that if things don’t change in my life by this summer I have to make some significant changes. But tomorrow I might change my mind, and that’s okay. 3.)Its never as bad as I imagine it is. I am a perfectionist and love to overdramatize my life. When things aren’t perfect as I imagine I get overwhelmed and dejected. Jesus is working on this in me. SO for all those who love me and are affected by my moodswings and neurosis Thank you for your patience.

I am still sweaty from my run. I believe it is shower time.

P.S Valentine’s Day was wonderful. Jack treated me to Melting Pot, during which I discovered his hidden talent for making the perfect prawn, and we saw Valentine’s Day (the movie). It was very sweet and romantic. The day was a success and Jack did a wonderful job loving me.

P.S.S. A special thank you to those that talked and prayed with me today. IE Missy, Steph, Ly, Yae, Mom, and Jack. You have blessed my heart and were Jesus’ hands and feet to my soul.

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First Post for a new Blogger

I decided to create this blog for my own sanity and because my ambition is always greater than my reality.

I recently found out from a few of my friends that I am a dreamer. For the longest time I thought that all of the things I aspired to do and to be were completely manageable and obtainable. Little did I know that the reason I was always so stressed and dissatisfied with life was because my “realistic goals” were actually life long dreams that ebb and flow as I grow and change. So this blog will be filled with the dreams of my heart so that I can put it out there to the world, but still live my life in reality of what is actually possible for me right now. I am sure I will throw in there random happenings of my life as well.

It is Sunday night, my weekend. Lame in the sense that everyone else has to go to bed at a decent hour because they work tomorrow, but great simply because I don’t have to work tomorrow (and any day not working is great for me right now). Tomorrow I will be running 5 miles, One of my “realistic” goals is to run the Rock ‘n Roll Marathon this June. We will see how my knee holds up after a month of training. 🙂

Thank you for joining me on my journeys.

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