I spent the greater part of my day in my pajamas bawling my eyes out. Why? Well, several factors play into this state of my heart. 1) It is coming on Spring. Spring, as a few close friends know, is by far the most difficult time of the year for me. It is when my parents separated, when I always got mono, when my depression flares up the most. 2.) I really dislike my job. I am in the process of applying for a different position in the company and all my coworkers and supervisors are asking me a very good question, “What are you doing here? Why are you still here?” My answer to that question…the job pays well, I have benefits, I like who I work with, and this is my first real job outside of college and I always thought your first job had to suck and this is when you have to learn how to endure the sucky part of adulthood. That and this being my first corporate job I am having to learn the delicate balance of schmoozing, which I am not good at and every person I go to for advice tells me something different. 3)I am tired of living alone. 4.) I want to train for a marathon and DID NOT want to go for a run. 6.) And when I feel this way its always good to add in feeling ugly and fat, just for good measure.
So there I was, just wallowing in my own confusion and heartache. Crying out to the Lord for some relief. Chatted with my Mom for a bit (where she again reminded me that they love me and I can come home anytime I want to) and decided I had to get out of my dark apartment. So in my anger I went for a run. My goal was 7 miles. 2 Miles in I realized that my mile tracker was not on. I laughed. That was what I needed. I needed to laugh at the fact that life isn’t always going to be tracked and perfect. So I turned on the tracker and proceeded to run another 5 miles, in which I realized a few things. (Since I am liking lists today I will start another one) 1.)Jesus must of invented running for depressed people. It is the perfect remedy to a really downer day. Not only does it release much needed endorphins and give you time to reflect on what you think is true and what is actually true, it also pushes your body beyond what it thinks it can go. Running is always a perfect metaphor for my life. When I am at my lowest and most desperate I can go for a run and remember that I can always take another step. I can always keep going. That no matter what I think I can do there is always the Lord to give me strength to continue on beyond what I can ask or imagine. Running is a tangible way for me to affirm myself that I can do this, that I can grow up and become an adult, and I can keep going. 2.)I don’t know where my life is going to go. I think that somedays I am just hunky dory and others I think that if things don’t get better I am definitely moving. Right now I think that if things don’t change in my life by this summer I have to make some significant changes. But tomorrow I might change my mind, and that’s okay. 3.)Its never as bad as I imagine it is. I am a perfectionist and love to overdramatize my life. When things aren’t perfect as I imagine I get overwhelmed and dejected. Jesus is working on this in me. SO for all those who love me and are affected by my moodswings and neurosis Thank you for your patience.
I am still sweaty from my run. I believe it is shower time.
P.S Valentine’s Day was wonderful. Jack treated me to Melting Pot, during which I discovered his hidden talent for making the perfect prawn, and we saw Valentine’s Day (the movie). It was very sweet and romantic. The day was a success and Jack did a wonderful job loving me.
P.S.S. A special thank you to those that talked and prayed with me today. IE Missy, Steph, Ly, Yae, Mom, and Jack. You have blessed my heart and were Jesus’ hands and feet to my soul.
Dreaming and Living 